the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
