I need to stop coming to work sober
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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