I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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