I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
