just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
