So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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