You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
