i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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