My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I skipped work to stalk him.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
