a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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