If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
