Where did you get a picture of my penis
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
