then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
