My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
