Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
