Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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