So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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