Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
