all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
