UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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