I cockslap morals
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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