Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
