I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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