I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The beers last night were like the tears from god
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
