New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I enjoy the company of your penis
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
