Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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