I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
