I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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