Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my shit smells like andre
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
