fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
