I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
