Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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