Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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