The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
