Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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