I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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