you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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