i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I love you. Go after that dick
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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