I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
