I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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