I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
