I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
