I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
