I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
