Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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