how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
