I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
