Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
