Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
