I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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