i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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