Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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