he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
