My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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